this is paraphrased from a note i wrote to corinne. there’s no reason for me not to be public about these feelings.

today i had an experience that extremely unpleasant for me. like really fucking awful actually and still making me upset. after having a pretty productive meeting at FSU (Reed’s feminist student union) about working to help trans* and queer folks feel more comfortable on campus while not turning trans* identity into a spectacle, i went to get some dinner and hang out for a minute. i sat down with a group of folks that i normally wouldn’t because i never have anything to say to them, but i figured i might as well give it a shot because corinne was there and i like her. things were going fine until someone brought up the fact that someone got expelled from their high school for “raping a dog.” this turned into a 15-minute discussion about different kinds of non-consensual sex with animals and a lengthy attempt at codifying a difference between raping and consensually fucking a dog because “it could run away with its tail between its legs if it really wanted to.” to clarify, this action was defined as being equivalent to consent.

i don’t care that people were being hypothetical; i don’t care that they were joking. “joking.” that shit is not fucking funny and never will be. torturing animals isn’t funny, misdefining consent isn’t funny, and sexual assault isn’t funny. ever. in any context. i voiced my disapproval and exited that conversation as soon as i possibly could, but sparing myself only partially mitigated how shitty that was. i won’t forget how long and hard people laughed during that conversation.

i feel horrible trying to work to help people feel more comfortable and safe here while knowing that so many fuckers have so much privilege that they can’t even notice when they’re saying vile shit, and seem to actually enjoy saying it. that interaction made me not want to speak to anyone else at that table anymore or again. mentioning it to sam at the farm house later and having him respond by saying that i’m a hypocrite for being upset by those jokes because i’m not vegan didn’t exactly help either.

what the fuck is wrong with a place when people at both extremes of the spectrum of political involvement can be so egotistical and ignorant? how do you deal with people being that awful? cos i seriously am nauseous right now. i don’t know how to be an analytical person and not yell at everyone right now. more than anything, this year has made me deeply angry—or deeply able to feel all the anger i used to suppress or elide. i’m sick of being made to feel like my anger is a buzzkill; people need to wake the fuck up to how their actions affect others and stop being such privileged fuckheads. they need to care. i really just have so little respect for so many folks at my school right now. how do other people deal with shit like this?